Almost 1

My daughter turns 1 this week and my thoughts and reflections have been centered more around what I've been through in the last couple years than any milestones of hers. And that is perfectly acceptable.

While pregnancy felt lonely at times, it was beautiful carrying and growing my baby inside me. And when I realized I wasn't actually alone and we had each other, I was comforted by the fact that I would give birth to one of my favorite humans. And I'd make sure she was good, though I didn't know at the time I had a girl since we waited to find out.

Labor was hard, intense, and grueling. My mother predicted I would experience a lot of back pain and she was right. I was exhausted and eventually laid down to rest as much as I could, even though it meant slowing down my progress and I still had contractions 5 or so minutes apart. I'm glad I was home for it all and didn't need to be transported. There was a moment where none of us were sure, especially because I barely drank or ate anything to give energize me.

Getting my baby out of me seemed so far away. I wondered how much longer, how many more.

Eventually, to speed things up, I had one of my midwives break my water and that hurt like a b*tch, too. But I don't regret it. When she said it might be another 6-8 hours, I was not with it. Actually, I think she said that after she had already broken my water. And then shortly after, something like a switch going off from my mind to the rest of my body, I started pushing. It felt different. They made calls for the rest of the team to make their way over.

Alex, like an angel sent by God, guided me to pushing like a pro. I moved from the bed to our bathroom, where I pushed like I was pushing a big poop out. Then, when I could feel her head, I stood up, at first with one hand on the sink before letting go to catch my baby with my own two hands.

Now, I kiss and hug the reason I'm chronically tired and marvel at her while she grows...

I do lose my patience often and don't feel like I've mastered anything, but I realize that's also perfectly normal and also, perfectly acceptable. And still, everyday without fail, my daughter looks at me with pure love.

Our children's love is as pure as it gets. There's nothing like a hug from them, their arms reaching out for you and them looking at you like you're the best part of their day.

A, you are worth all the pain and moments of overwhelm. I know I'll be rewarded a thousand fold simply having you as my daughter and you will remain one of my greatest achievements.

Our future is full of promise.

Celebrating life with you,

Mae Souvany